Survivor’s Guilt…

How many times have I truly tried mom, how many times can I cry how many times do I have to wonder if you heard me say goodbye. Did you know that you were my light, did you know how I felt in my heart; do you know how bad I ached each day we were apart. I fought for you yet you were unable to dedicate six hours to get me instead you left me longing living a lie thinking I was just something that everyone erased there was nothing but a looming memory… You remember all the times when it was you and I, mom the blows I took from dad was because I was putting myself on the line. I knew there was something different about me, why did you not trust me enough to allow me to be led towards confusion and the question of who is the real person I am supposed to be.

I have my own thoughts and perceptions on how I feel, and harboring my memories at the benefit of others comfort level is killing me slowly. I am no longer harboring all the pain and can’t share this pain anymore, it is time for it to end a new turn for the new year needs to be in store. Mom I pray that finally you can actually read, and finally for writing you these words I won’t end up getting beat. No one truly understood that I split when I lost the ability to write and then I saw someone funny and they made it alright. I got to share the optimism and the forgiveness he taught within me, and he gave me the courage to come and stand at your side knowing that you were bidding farewell to me and this was our final opportunity. Mom I am sorry that I did not keep my secrets I am sorry if I could go back and take your pain and your sickness away I would gladly take your place. I wish you would have chose me instead of him because that day you said don’t let the door hit you on the ass it was the immoral sin. You were all I had and you pushed me so far away, now I feel so lost inside to this very day. I question if it was your deception that was well installed upon me or if it truly was that everyone was able to turn their back on me. So this is a survivors guilt in the rawest casualty. I harbor demons and you do not understand yet last week suck it up buttercup how quickly you can forget. You did not understand what has went on with me but it is in your perception all that you are willing to see. So you look at me on the outside you see a smile and a laughter a person who constantly is the end of everyone of your jokes, yet she talks so greatly and how humble and grateful she is for you providing her with an escape from a hell you did not know.

No one ever sat down and truly listened to me because there is not one story that led me to this path it was multiple casualties. You can not judge me and you can not make me forget, and for the courage that I have gotten through this I will harbor no regret. I have given in to this darkness and all this despair, for once I am going to sing my story rid this evil that I bare. I will walk continued into this light I am turning off this darkness I am giving in on this never ending fight I have stopped focusing on what is not changing around me, instead I am moving forward to be all that I can be. I am spontaneous and I live day to day, I don’t tell anyone much of everything yet constantly with one person I felt it was okay. It was like having a peer mentor with who I could speak freely but also someone who had the education in a field that I wanted to study. I never expected to find out that this person lived literally 90 minutes away, or the fact that he had family where I attend classes in Northern Va. also did I never imagine having the courage after the fears that are in me to take a venture 1000 miles away and 4 miles within your radius so it became consistency. I am a gypsy I told you I never knew the definition of a home I was thrown back and forth through foster care merely trafficking at its best, I can share with you stories that will make you hollow in your chest. So when I hear people tell me that they feel a certain way, I would change places with you any given day.

Are you feeling dark yet because I am not finished with my despair let me fill you in on another secret guilt that I bare, I had my mother disclose to me she was raped as a child too, but it was her dad so what was she to do, I came to find out later the sickness that was there but you would think this would bring us closer this secret shame we shared. Instead when I would have nightmares and cry out in fright I would get beat and told to shut the fuck up and call it a night. When you say you are not right in the head, you are completely fucking accurate would you be reading all this shit and also being constantly hit in the head? I was named the Joker at all of my clubs, because you never knew which crazy bitch was going to come. I lived a life like you would not know I could tell you stories of a lifestyle of moving things but why glorify what took away my soul though.

I don’t want to be a face in this I don’t want to be famous for overcoming odds that is not part of dignity but I refuse to allow my humility to not help out someone from becoming another casualty so its time that I stood up and swallowed this pit from within and sing proudly letting lose the Phoenix from within. So mom for the sake of needing to be as awesome of a Nana to Mason as you were to Haille, I love you and miss you I will never forget you but I need to finally let you rest in peace. I need to make changes and I can’t have your voice in my head anymore, it is time for me to spread my wings and finally allow my spirit to truly soar. You watched proudly as this fire started burning within, you were here when renegades just started to begin. I know you watch me and you push me forward and try to help me believe that there is a reason I was not an accident like I like to believe. So within my ability to say goodbye to our past mom here are to the memories of you that I would love to last.

This was after you left but I felt you with me one of the most amazing days the day my brother was masked right there with me. I was shy nervous and quaint, they said I was a wild card who would have ever imagined my fate. I love hard and I learnt it from you mom regardless I hold this to remain true. I do not harbor anything that ill will can provide instead I can not wait to feel you hug me on the other side and also I want you to see the warrior you installed within the woman I came to be. I have no fear the time is now this time is mine so I guess I am grabbing my supernova and letting us both SHINE.